I was under pressure.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t live. Couldn’t stand.
I couldn’t sing.
I tried to become a good little girl.
But was rewarded for good grades and obedience to things I could not agree with or understand.
My questions were met with incredulous and disrespectful yells.
I was silenced.
For my inquisitiveness was too much for Nigerian parents to handle.
It didn’t match their expectation for who they thought I was
Or wanted me to be.
Stuck I was.
Between what I loved.
And was expected of me.
They tried. Out of love.
But in effort to succeed they instead suffocated the treasure God had placed within me.
I was lost
In the wilderness
Because of this.
Assaulted with suggestions.
Scared of saying no to what I knew was wrong.
Guilt ed for trying to keep myself pure.
But I forgot that I was worthy.
I began to turn on myself.
Stories were my passion but it became complicated when my own heart could not fathom,
That my story which I had spent daydreams creating,
was now maligned.
Pride began to creep in. And innocence lost caused bitterness to settle in.
I used the very education my parents took pride in and the gifts God intended to bless me
On others as a weapon of my own inferiority.
Sinking deeper into a depression that never was mine.
Gone to the oblivion of a world that would see me as a little black girl.
With no vital worth or imagination.
I succumbed to the depression.
And the grief.
An early mourning of the voice I could not seek
To young to give up.
Feeling too old to work it out,
I lost my energy.
I became ashamed.
No more proud of my accomplishments.
Because it did not seem to matter
For I was not free.
To enjoy the beauty of what God’s gift was doing for me.
I was mortified by my sin. Disgusted.
I hated myself.
So I settled for the lie.
That God would be ever angry with my addictions.
The doubt that clouded my thinking
Pervading almost every moment of my being.
How could He forgive me?
He would be forever punishing me with the shame that would not leave me.
He would never forgive me and therefore give me what I desired…to be a writer, creator, author, dreamer, actor, performer…for Him.
He became a religious being that I could lord over people with.
I could confess the scriptures.
Sing the songs.
And quote the Bible back and forth.
However, I was not convinced that He could love me enough out of my sin.
Punishing others for not seeing the brilliance in me.
For not seeing the gifts in me.
For not recognizing my cries for help in the endless seas of depression.
I was punishing myself.
For I was confused.
Who was I?
Who I thought I was
In the seas of depression.
Gone deeper into the oblivion.
Desperate. In need of a Savior.
That was years ago.
He has taken the filthy,
With nail pierced hands he has not objectified her, silenced her, abused her, taken advantaged, or forced himself on her to be what He wants her to be. He has excused her, quieted her, comforted her
Remained her rock.
But God saved me once again from a life of regret and a life of bondage to sin.
God saved me.
He recreated and healed me.
He restored my soul.
He made me new.
He forgave me.
He forgave me
For what I once was.
For who I had become.
He forgave me
For giving up.
For moving on.
For letting go of
He paid for me
And live life freely.
Even when I didn’t want it.
When I didn’t want
He forgave me. He forgave me. He forgave me.
You don’t how much I needed that.
Forgiveness. For one,
Forgetting The One Who could set me free.
And two, not allowing the soul He created in me to live.
And He brought my heart to it’s knees.
Awakening me for His Love for me again.
Breaking chains off,
That were there for years.
I now received the Creator’s gracious gift to the world.
The Son that He prepared since the day I was born.
He told me, just a couple of sunsets ago that He does not condemn me.
I am free.
I am at peace.
My testimony is still being written.
I have fallen, a few times.
But even in the stumbles
I find myself in,
He has never left me.
He ‘s stood there. Right there. My friend. Next to my heart. And waited for me.
To get back up.
Through it all,
He never left me.
Even when I wanted to give up on Him.
Even when I wanted Him to give up on me.
Even when I wanted to give up on myself.
He stuck close to me. Like a true friend.
He never left me.
You set me free.
Your testimony is the most powerful thing that can never be undone.
Because just like Your Savior’s Blood….
It never loses it’s power.
I love you God. Thank you for giving your Son, so I can be free, and remaining my God even in my sin.
For Your Forgiveness, redemption and Unfailing Love.
I love you all.